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Volume 33, Number 1 |
Richardton, ND 58652 |
January 2005 |
Velcro People and Teflon People
by Abbot Brian Wangler, O.S.B.
In this article I want to talk about reconciliation and mutual forgiveness. Some people have a “Velcro personality” which means that all hurts stick to them. Others seem to be blessed with a “Teflon personality” from whom all hurts fall off. Actually, the Velcro personality and the Teflon personality are both trying to do the same thing—each is trying to be happy. It doesn’t take much reflection to realize who will be more successful at it.
We are born with a Velcro personality. It is part of how Original Sin affects us. We are automatically inclined to hang on to hurts and disappointments. We are automatically inclined to punish those who hurt us. We automatically seek our happiness by holding grudges and pouting, by blaming others and punishing those who have offended us. We punish them by words and actions, or by isolating ourselves aloof from them.
Remember, the Velcro people do what they do in an attempt to be happy. But no happiness can be found from this source. The one they are punishing by not forgiving is themselves. Justice does not heal the human heart, forgiveness does. Giving “what they have coming” to those who have offended us gives some satisfaction to our desire for revenge, but it doesn’t heal the hurt. The offence will continue to exercise its evil power over us until we forgive the one, or the group, that offended us.
The first thing Jesus mentions as he begins his public ministry in the Gospels of Saints Matthew and Mark is: “Repent! For the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” In practical life, repent means: Begin to change the direction in which you are looking for happiness. The Velcro and Teflon personalities are both seeking happiness—one by hanging on to hurts and the other by letting them go. The Teflon personality was not born that way. They have done some hard spiritual work and allowed God to have his way in their life. “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you besides” (Mt 6:33).
The Teflon personality has turned away from the sin of hanging on to hurts and the
joy and satisfaction it promises to bring, but never does. They have turned to a
different means of finding happiness. They have turned to the Kingdom of God. They
forget about their self-
Hanging on to hurts and letting go of hurts are things people do in their pursuit of happiness. One is sinful. One is virtuous. Hanging on to hurts brings one the satisfaction of pretending we are getting even. Letting go of hurts brings the happiness of reconciliation with God, the freedom to be at peace with people, and, most especially, the ability to eliminate the negative power hurts exercise over us.
Remember this truth: getting even or seeing justice done to the offender does not heal the hurt in a human heart. Forgiveness does. The only way to stop the evil and negative power hurt exercises over us is to forgive. So, therefore, “as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do” (Col 3:13).
Has someone hurt you?
—An immediate or extended family member?
—A neighbor?
—The Church?
—A business associate?
—God, by allowing certainthings to happen?
It makes no difference where the hurt came from, whether it was intentional or not.
Ask God to help you forgive the offender, even if it is God himself. When we are
hurt we want to defend ourselves. One way we try to defend ourselves is to become
self-
